The Spider 1977 'Flanders and Swann'

Dr. Pitt-Payne in London UK - 29 Dec 2002

I have fought a grizzly bear,
tracked a cobra to its lair,
killed a crocodile
who dared to cross my path;
But the thing I really dread
when I've just got out of bed
is to find that
there's a spider in the bath.

I've no fear of wasps or bees,
mosquitos only tease,
I rather like a cricket on the hearth;
But my blood runs cold to meet
in pyjamas and bare feet
with a great big hairy spider in the bath.

I have faced a charging bull in Barcelona,
I have dragged a mountain lioness
from her cub,
I've restored a mad gorilla to its owner
but I don't dare face that tub...

What a frightful looking beast
half an inch across at least
it would frighten even Superman or Garth.
There's contempt it can't disguise
in the little beady eyes
of the spider sitting glowering in the bath.

It ignores my every lunge
with the backbrush and the sponge;
I have bombed it with
"A Present from Penarth;"
but it doesn't mind at all
it just rolls into a ball
and simply goes on squatting in the bath...

For hours we have been locked
in endless struggle;
I have lured it to the deep end,
by the drain;
At last I think I've washed it
down the plug'ole
but here it comes acrawling up the chain!

Now it's time for me to shave
though my nerves will not behave,
and there's bound to be a fearful aftermath;
so before I cut my throat
I shall leave this final note:
'Driven to it:
by the spider in the bath!'
************

Soft karaoke
Words
treble clef 1
treble clef 2
lyric line
bass
*
The Spider 1977 Flanders and Swann
by Michael Flanders and Donald Swann
copyright 1977 The Estates of Michael Flanders and Donald Swann
sequence and karaoke by Dr. Pitt-Payne in London UK
on Sunday 29 December 2002 at 23.28
in association with Doug Grierson
*