The Military Representative 1928 Mr. Ernest Hastings

Dr. Pitt-Payne in London UK - 15 Jun 2003

The Muckemdyke Tribunal
sat in state the other day
to give, or else refuse,
exemptions in the usual way.
The first case was a man
who'd had a wooden leg from birth.
The chairman said: "Exempted,
now hop home for all you're worth!"

But the military representative
got up and shouted: "Bosh!
A wooden leg, by gosh!
Such tales will never wash.
It was our gallant hearts of oak
that beat the foreign foe,
and mahogany legs can do the same
why of course he's got to go!"

They call'd upon the next case;
than a woman rose and said:
"I'm very sorry, gentlemen,
but my poor husband's dead."
The chairman said: "Well, he's exempt,
he needn't come again."
"Oh, thank you!" said the widow,
as she ran to catch the train.

But the military representative
got up and shouted: "Hi!
How dare your husband die?
He was A I in July.
What say, ma'am? He's in heaven now!
Well, just you let him know
I'm sending a sergeant to fetch him back,
for of course he's got to go!"

They call'd on Rip van Winkle next,
and smiling all serene
he mumbled: "Gents, I'm ninetyone,
you've got me down nineteen!"
The chairman said: "What! Ninetyone?"
then with a thoughtful frown,
he said: "You're right, you're right,
I've had your papers upside down!"

But the military representative
got up and shouted: "Say,
don't let him run away!
Tho' he's ninetyone today,
there are men down at the War Office
as old as he, I know,
And I'm sure they're a dam sight sillier,
so of course he's got to go!"

The next exemption candidate
was wheel'd in on a chair,
he fainted when in court;
the chairman shouted: "Give him air!"
They burned brown paper
underneath his nose to bring him to,
And then the chairman said: "Exempt,
the poor man's black and blue."

But the military representative
got up and shouted: "Lor!
D'ye want us to lose the war?
Exempted him! What for?
He may be black and blue,
and purple too, but don't you know,
that he's just the man for the colours?
Why, of course he's got to go!"

The next case was a longhair'd youth
with pale and pimply face.
He lean'd upon the table
with an attitude of grace.
He lisp'd: "Dear friends, while I abhor
the very thought of strife,
I conscientiously object
to taking human life.

But the military representative
got up and shouted: "Eh?
Your conscience? Get away!
What's that I hear you say?
That you object to taking human life!
Ha! Ha! Oh, Oh!
But you can't call Germans human, dammit!
Of course you've got to go!"

Soft karaoke
Words
piano 1
piano 2
piano 3
piano 4
lyric
piss str bass
*
The Military Representative 1928
by R.P.Weston and Bert Lee
copyright MCMXVIII by Francis, Day and Hunter
sequence and karaoke by Dr. Pitt-Payne in London UK
on Sunday 15 June 2003 at 08.40
in association with Doug Grierson
*