The Ideal Home 1914 Vs2

by James Pitt-Payne, London UK - 8 July 2011
2011

There are lots of little 'sububs'
far away from all the 'pububs'
where they're building houses
really most unique.
Quite a mansion you can collar
if you plank down half a dollar
and the balance in instalments
once a week.
They are charming little villas
with their balconies and pillars
and a grapevine growing
up each chimney stack.
There's a golf course in the garden
where you learn to play like Vardon
and there's billiards
in the scull'ry at the back.

In the Ideal Home
In the Ideal Home
ev'rything is perfect,
you can lead the simple life.
You can't help feeling happy
even if you have a wife.
In the ideal home
no one ever has the wish to roam.
The latest scheme of all attracts
new tenants by the 'score,
a very great improvement tho'
it's not been done before,
there is beer straight from the Brew'ry
laid in pipes to ev'ry floor
in the ideal, ideal home.

All the stairs are escalating
up and down no hesitating,
and the rooms in diff'rent colours
they prepare.
It's a scheme that's not misleading
there's a Red Room when you're reading
and the Blue Room useful
when you want to swear.
If for poultry you are itching
there's a fowlhouse in the kitchen
where the birds eat up the scraps
you throw away,
whilst the hens to save the toiler
lay their eggs inside the boiler
and you get a stock of
hardboiled eggs each day.

In the ideal home, in the ideal home,
the milkman never calls on you
for that is out of date
a cow calls round twice daily
and you milk it at the gate.
In the ideal home
no one ever has the wish to roam,
a bathroom is not needed
for a patent bath you've got
converted from the bedstead
by a penny in the slot.
Your language whilst you're fixing it
will make the water hot,
in the ideal, ideal home.

In the garden's shady quarter
there's a pond of real seawater
and it's stocked with fish
as full as it can be.
If a Dover sole you can see
or a herring you should fancy
you just fish them out
and have them cooked for tea.
They are building in each road a
fountain filled with Scotch and Soda
and a gramaphone in each bedroom they fix
which if wound up at the right time
plays 'Sing Me To Sleep'
at night time, and 'Beloved, it is Morn'
at halfpast six.

In the ideal home, in the ideal home,
they guarantee to take you
to your work and back again
so ev'ryone's provided
with a modern aeroplane.
In the ideal home
no one ever has the wish to roam;
The 'Daily Mail' insures you
if its pages you have read,
so if the walls collapse or ceilings
fall down on your head,
you get Two Pounds a week for life
and a thousand when you're dead
in the ideal, ideal home.

Soft karaoke
Words
piano 1
piano 2
piano 3
piano 4
lyric
pizz str bass
*
The Ideal Home 1914 Vs2
by Reg Lowe
sung by Tom Clare
© MCMXIV by Reynolds & Co.
*
sequence & karaoke by James Pitt-Payne, London UK
on Friday 8 July 2011 at 17.52
in association with Veda Meyer-Castens
*