Ever Since He Pelmanized - 1919 - Mr. Ernest Hastings

Dr. Pitt-Payne in London UK - 30 Sept 2001

Have you heard of Pelmanism?
Oh, it's great!
Pelmanism teaches you to concentrate.
Just to prove to you
that Pelmanism isn't swank,
my Cousin Bill was once
a window cleaner at the bank.
But since he Pelmaniz'd, Pelmaniz'd,
Studied Pelmanism, as advertis'd,
he's climbing up the ladder,
tho' a window cleaner still.
He's absolutely rolls in money now,
does Cousin Bill,
For when the ladder slips
he always tumbles in the till,
Ever since he Pelmaniz'd.

In our yard we've got
a poor old Brahma hen.
She would lay an egg for us,
just now and then,
our old rooster said to her:
"Why you disgrace your sex!
If you don't lay more eggs than this
they'll wring our blesséd necks."
But since she Pelmaniz'd, Pelmaniz'd,
Studied Pelmanism, as advertis'd,
Early ev'ry morning in the frying pan
she'll drop a lovely gammon rasher
with an egg up on the top;
And when we're sick of ham and eggs
she lays a mutton chop,
Ever since she Pelmaniz'd.

Perkins was a burglar,
up to ev'ry crime;
but in prison he was always
doing time.
Tho' he show'd efficiency
in ev'ry crib he crack'd,
some interfering p'liceman
always caught him in the act.
But since he Pelmaniz'd, Pelmaniz'd,
Studied Pelmanism, as advertis'd,
he hasn't spent a day in gaol,
altho' to my belief
he's just as big a criminal,
and just as big a thief.
He started as a publican
and never comes to grief
ever since he Pelmaniz'd.

Emanuel, our curate,
whom we all respect,
seemed a trifle wanting in his intellect.
He would often switch a bridegroom
on to the wrong wife,
and christen little boys as girls,
and ruin us for life.
But since he Pelmaniz'd, Pelmaniz'd,
Studied Pelmanism, as advertis'd,
should he baptise a little babe,
our dear Emanuel,
will only have two guesses,
and the sex of it he'll tell;
yea, if it's not a little boy,
he knows that it's a gel,
Ever since he Pelmaniz'd.

Poor old Mephistopheles
some time ago,
kept no record of his clients down below.
Some of them who knew a bit
down there, so it appears,
had never sat upon the hob
for years and years and years.
But since he Pelmaniz'd, Pelmaniz'd,
Studied Pelmanism, as advertis'd,
he roasts them alphabetic'lly;
his methods I admire.
The A's go first,
the Z's will be the last ones to perspire,
So I've changed my name to Zambuck
to be furthest from the fire,
ever since he Pelmaniz'd.

Pelmanism's very ancient, so they say,
even Adam took some lessons in his day.
When he wore his figleaf trousers,
Adam looked a don,
but owing to a shortage
all his friends had nothing on.
But when he Pelmaniz'd, Pelmaniz'd,
Studied Pelmanism, as advertis'd,
he had a figleaf factory,
a very grand affair.
He advertise his figleaf trousers
'five and six' a pair,'
and now it's 'Fig Tree Limited'
with branches ev'rywhere,
ever since he Pelmaniz'd.

We've an old poll parrot
such a silent bird;
he's one fav'rite motto,
it was 'Mum's the word!'
Though at that poll parrot
I would rave and I would shout,
It used to sit and blink at me,
and simply answer nowt.
But since he Pelmaniz'd, Pelmaniz'd,
Studied Pelmanism, as advertis'd,
you can hear him imitate
our housemaid to the life.
"Don't kiss me, sir!
Don't kiss me!
Oh, I'm certain there'll be strife!"
We've lost four pretty housemaids,
and I've nearly lost my wife.
Since that Parrot Pelmaniz'd!

Little Bertie Juggins
was a dunce at school,
teachers all declared
he was a darned young fool.
But he ate some toffee once,
did silly little Bert,
and then he licked the paper,
Pelman's 'Daily Mail' advert.
And since he Pelmaniz'd, Pelmaniz'd,
Studied Pelmanism, as advertis'd,
his head's so full of wisdom,
and so swollen it has got,
that when his mother smacks him
on a certain tender spot
she's not quite certain
if she's got him right side up or not,
ever since he Pelmaniz'd!

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Ever Since He Pelmanized 1919 Mr. Ernest Hastings

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Ever Since He Pelmanized 1919 Mr. Ernest Hastings
by R. P. Weston and Bert Lee
© 1919 Francis, Day and Hunter
sequenced for Piano by Dr. Pitt-Payne in London UK
on Sunday 30 Sept 2001 at 11.19
in association with Doug Grierson
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© James Pitt-Payne, London UK, 2001
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